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[11 Oct 2007|12:46am] |
today:
coffee:100
sandwhich: 300
vegan banana bread: 150?
small sloppy joe w.o bread: 300
gym: 500 cals
ok. this isnt so hard.
now. new rule
no food after 7 pm. only water tea and black coffee.
i can do this, i can i can i can i can.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~`
i dont understand people need for drama. no no,i take that back, beacuse i myself cause drama. but need for people to always explain themselves. i dont want to explain myself. i dont WANT to fix things anymore.
i dont want to be fixed
i dont want to fix my messed up friendships anymore
i dont want to eat
let.me.be
i also dontknow how i feel about posting "thin-speration" i hate thinking that i am pushing more girls into this. who would REALLY want this? then again, now a days girls choose it and leave it without a second thought
hm. must be nice.
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[09 Oct 2007|01:21am] |
can i change? these are things that make me wonder.
hows this for an insperation? I must hold myself accountable. I must start realizing that all of my actions have consequences.
this weekend?! one meal a day.
not badddd
but todays meal was a cheeseburger and cheesecake. yes thats all, but still pretty awful. walked most of it off though.
tommorow is gym in the morning and then... hopefully at night sometime. i need to lose this weight.
dont you ever feel like such a waste of space? like you take up so much space and the time of other people? i dunno, i think its my crazy ramblings.
i have to start studying harder, and thinking clearer and concentrating onthe long run. not the short terms.
98 is so far away from where i am. but its ok, i can do it. beacuse i can and i will
(i also have to remember what my password is for my thininsperatin folder, its driving me crazy jajaja)
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[03 Oct 2007|11:33am] |
well a study binge today
no gym today
tuesday was ok.
monday was -100 cals
ahhhhh
the first week is the hardest. i jsut have to... not eat.
think of all the money i will be saving
ahhhh
i need to remind myself that i am a fat fuck
fat fat fat fuck.
good.
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| wow its been a while |
[24 Sep 2007|12:46am] |
i cant stop hurting the people that i love. its this ingrained thing i have, i love to hurt people, this vicouse things to make people feel like crap, this inate sense and need to lower everyone a peg. why am i so mean?
on the other hand, why do i still weight so much? i want to weight 98 pounds so bad it hurts. and youknow what i think i will. i have the tools. the time. all i need is the determintation.
why the hell not? get good grades and drop 40 pounds? there isnt anyone here that really that will notice for a while, and by that time it will be too late. it will be perfect.
i dunno, i just. i am so out of it. like this insane need to make people realize that HELLO I AM HERE. its driving me crazy, i am becoming this crap of a human being.
ahhhh
i think i will write here every day to make me feel better. and document and stuff.
i can do this. 40 lbs? by december?
pshhhhh childs play. i dont know why i ever decided to get better. its a pain in my ass.
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[02 Jan 2007|03:54am] |
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Ah yes. Vacation usually means no internet. Well thank god for cell phones. I'm tired. Tired of this vacation, of my life, of things in general. And i have been for a very long time. I want out. I want a adventure. I want to get so drunk that i'm hung over for the rest of the week and not care what people think. I want to travel and not have to worry about money. I want to not have to think constantly of my weight, or not binge or starve. I want to be normal. I want the guy i have feelings for to live in the same city as me, and want to feel beautiful once in a while. But i can't have any of there things. I don't deserve the guy, i'll never be skinny. I have no control. And my parents will always be on my back because of money and weight. I'm just tired. And weepy. Because i can be because my life is such mundane piece of shit, and i have all there great things, fucking material things that remind me that i am not worth any of the things i have. I'm just lost. And alone. And angry that all of the things i want i can't have. I just... I'm numb. Fuck.
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